⚠️Trigger Warning: This story includes details of an at home abortion experience which may be distressing⚠️
I never knew it would be like that...I wish I’d called you before I took the pills.
“I would never have done it if I knew it would be like that.”
Heavy sobs and ragged breathing came through the phone line.
“I’m still here,” the Life Listener said gently. “Take your time, I am here for you when you are ready.”
Hailey was 25. Just three days earlier, she had undergone a medical abortion at home after receiving the pills by post. The pregnancy had been unexpected, and she believed she was about six weeks along. Overwhelmed and unsure of how she would manage with a baby, she and her boyfriend agreed that abortion was the best option.
It took Hailey a few moments to gather herself before she could continue speaking.
Over the course of the call, the Listener learned that Hailey received her abortion pills the day after her phone consultation with the abortion provider. She had been anxious to get it over with, so when the package dropped onto her doormat, her initial reaction was relief.
She called in sick to her job as a carer, telling them she had a stomach bug. It would give her a few days to get it over with. She read the instruction leaflet quickly and took the first pill right away. Hailey spent the rest of the day in bed, watching TV, waiting for her boyfriend to come home. As time passed, nausea set in, followed by cramps that resembled a painful period.
When her boyfriend arrived home that evening, he seemed confused.
“I thought it would be over by now?” he asked.
Hailey explained that there was another set of pills to take the next day. He appeared irritated.
“Well, I’m going out. I’ll be back later.”
The door closed behind him, and Hailey felt irked that he didn’t see the need to stay with her or even ask her if she was ok. She knew “later” could mean the middle of the night, or the next day.
She went back to bed to try and sleep through the discomfort and a growing feeling of unease that she put down to nerves.
“I thought he would stay with me,” she said quietly.
But he didn’t come back that night. Or the next afternoon.
Following the instructions, Hailey took the second set of pills the next day on her own. She got back into bed, scrolling on her phone, trying to distract herself. Hailey took the pain killers that came in the package and filled a hot water bottle to soothe the pains that were becoming more intense with every wave.
What followed caught her completely off guard.
Hailey broke down again during the call, this time alternating between heavy sobs and angry outbursts. She describes the pain as unlike anything she had ever experienced.
“It wasn’t like a period at all; I’ve had bad periods. This was different. I couldn’t move or breathe; it was the worst pain I have ever felt! I didn’t know what was happening. There was blood everywhere. I had to crawl to the bathroom, and I didn’t leave until it was over.”
She described vomiting, sweating, and what felt like hours of intense cramping. At one point, she passed something she couldn’t bring herself to look at. She flushed the toilet immediately.
Afterwards as the pain subsided, she lay on the bathroom floor for a long time before finally getting up and climbing into the shower.
As she cleaned herself up, the crying started again. She picked up her phone and tried to call her boyfriend. It rang out. Hours later, he sent a text: I’ll be home later.
That’s when it hit her, the unease she had felt all along was isolation. She had gone through the entire process alone.
“No one else knows,” she said quietly. “Just him and me. And he wasn’t there.”
Hailey described feeling completely empty and numb that night, she pretended to be asleep when her boyfriend arrived home and lay alone in bed staring silently at the wall.
The days that followed were a rollercoaster of emotion, Hailey described feeling overwhelming feelings of loss and anger directed at her boyfriend, she could barely look at him. She kept replaying the moment she flushed the toilet in her mind, wondering if the large clot she felt pass what something more.
“Was that my baby?” she asked the listener in a small voice. She went on to talk about the difficulty she was having going into the bathroom, that she was having flashbacks when she brushed her teeth or took a shower.
Hailey felt betrayed by her boyfriend for leaving her to go through the abortion alone. She felt let down by the provider for not preparing her well enough for what was about to happen.
“I never knew it would be like that,” she said, her voice cracking. “I wish I’d called you before I took the pills.”
Hailey had planned to return to work after just a few days, but three days turned into nearly two weeks as she struggled with debilitating feelings of grief and anger.
Hailey faced the trauma of her abortion on her own. She couldn’t escape it. Her own home was a daily reminder of what happened that day. An online search led her to Life’s National Helpline, and through tears she was able to offload everything to her listener about what had and what was happening for her.
Hailey received ongoing free counselling sessions to help her move forward in coping with her loss and the trauma she experienced that day.
To protect our client’s privacy we have used a stock image, changed her name and any identifying features.
No woman should have to face any part of pregnancy or pregnancy loss alone. If you want to support women like Hailey, save the details of Life’s National Helpline and share with anyone who is facing any kind of pregnancy distress or loss.
We are here and we will listen.
On the phone
We’re a member of the Helpline Freephone Range, so calling us on 0808 802 5433 is free from mobiles and landlines.
The call won’t appear on your bills or statements.
Texting us
Texts to 07860077339 are charged at your provider’s rates.
By email
Emailing us on help@lifecharity.org.uk is free.
Yes. We maintain confidentiality, except where there’s danger of harm to self or others.
If we feel that there’s a danger of harm to self or others, we’ll let you know that we need to break confidentiality, and ask for your consent first.
If you’re calling us on 0808 802 5433, your call is free and won’t appear on your bills or statements.
Ordering a free pregnancy test
When you order a free pregnancy test from us, the test arrives in a discreet envelope, which has no mark to identify that it’s from Life.
On the phone
When you call us on 0808 802 5433 Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm, you’ll be put straight through to a Helpliner.
If the Helpline is extremely busy, you’ll be put through to our confidential voicemail where you can leave your name and the best phone number to call you on. A Helpliner will get back to you as soon as possible. When they call you, the number will show as “Unknown” or “Private”.
Texting us
The Text-to-Talk service is open 9am-6pm every day. When you text us on 07860077339, we aim to respond within 15 minutes.
If the Helpline is extremely busy, it may take longer for you to receive a response. However, please be assured that we will always respond to your message.
By email
The email service is open 9am-6pm every day. When you email us on help@lifecharity.org.uk, we aim to respond within 15 minutes.
If the Helpline is extremely busy, it may take longer for you to receive a response. However, please be assured that we will always respond to your message.
Life’s Helpline is here for anyone experiencing any kind of pregnancy-related issue.
This includes (but isn’t limited to):
Do you help men?
Yes.
Do you give advice?
We’re a listening and counselling helpline, so we don’t give advice. Instead, we give a safe space where you can work through your own thoughts and feelings.
If you wish, we can provide information, or help you find information.
We may also be able to give you contact details for organisations that can give specialised help.
We’re here for you, whatever you are feeling or experiencing.
Will you judge me or try to coerce me?
No. We won’t judge you or tell you what to do. Instead, we give you a safe space where you can work through your own feelings and come to the decision you feel is best for you.
If you ask us, we can share medically-accurate information about your options.
Do you offer abortions?
No – we aren’t an abortion provider or medical facility. We don’t refer for abortions or give information on abortion providers, as per our Terms of Service.
Is your Helpline for people who have had abortions?
Yes. Anybody who has had an abortion – or is considering one – can contact our Helpline.
Because we’re here for you – in all the life-changes that an unexpected pregnancy journey can bring. And life is easier when you don’t have to go through the tricky parts without support. We’re here to make sure no one faces pregnancy or pregnancy loss alone.
