An Abortion at Home: Hailey’s Story

“I would never have done it if I knew it would be like that.”

Heavy sobs and ragged breathing came through the phone line.

“I’m still here,” the Life Listener said gently. “Take your time, I am here for you when you are ready.”

Making the Decision

Hailey was 25. Just three days earlier, she had undergone a medical abortion at home after receiving the pills by post. The pregnancy had been unexpected, and she believed she was about six weeks along. Overwhelmed and unsure of how she would manage with a baby, she and her boyfriend agreed that abortion was the best option.

It took Hailey a few moments to gather herself before she could continue speaking.

Starting the Process

Over the course of the call, the Listener learned that Hailey received her abortion pills the day after her phone consultation with the abortion provider. She had been anxious to get it over with, so when the package dropped onto her doormat, her initial reaction was relief.

She called in sick to her job as a carer, telling them she had a stomach bug. It would give her a few days to get it over with. She read the instruction leaflet quickly and took the first pill right away. Hailey spent the rest of the day in bed, watching TV, waiting for her boyfriend to come home. As time passed, nausea set in, followed by cramps that resembled a painful period.

Left to Cope Alone

When her boyfriend arrived home that evening, he seemed confused.

“I thought it would be over by now?” he asked.

Hailey explained that there was another set of pills to take the next day. He appeared irritated.

“Well, I’m going out. I’ll be back later.”

The door closed behind him, and Hailey felt irked that he didn’t see the need to stay with her or even ask her if she was ok. She knew “later” could mean the middle of the night, or the next day.

She went back to bed to try and sleep through the discomfort and a growing feeling of unease that she put down to nerves.

“I thought he would stay with me,” she said quietly.

But he didn’t come back that night. Or the next afternoon.

The Worst Moments

Following the instructions, Hailey took the second set of pills the next day on her own. She got back into bed, scrolling on her phone, trying to distract herself. Hailey took the pain killers that came in the package and filled a hot water bottle to soothe the pains that were becoming more intense with every wave.

What followed caught her completely off guard.

Hailey broke down again during the call, this time alternating between heavy sobs and angry outbursts. She describes the pain as unlike anything she had ever experienced.

“It wasn’t like a period at all; I’ve had bad periods. This was different. I couldn’t move or breathe; it was the worst pain I have ever felt! I didn’t know what was happening. There was blood everywhere. I had to crawl to the bathroom, and I didn’t leave until it was over.”

She described vomiting, sweating, and what felt like hours of intense cramping. At one point, she passed something she couldn’t bring herself to look at. She flushed the toilet immediately.

After the Pain

Afterwards as the pain subsided, she lay on the bathroom floor for a long time before finally getting up and climbing into the shower.

As she cleaned herself up, the crying started again. She picked up her phone and tried to call her boyfriend. It rang out. Hours later, he sent a text: I’ll be home later.

That’s when it hit her, the unease she had felt all along was isolation. She had gone through the entire process alone.

The decision had been mutual, but the experience was hers alone.

“No one else knows,” she said quietly. “Just him and me. And he wasn’t there.”

The Emotion that Followed

Hailey described feeling completely empty and numb that night, she pretended to be asleep when her boyfriend arrived home and lay alone in bed staring silently at the wall.

The days that followed were a rollercoaster of emotion, Hailey described feeling overwhelming feelings of loss and anger directed at her boyfriend, she could barely look at him. She kept replaying the moment she flushed the toilet in her mind, wondering if the large clot she felt pass what something more.

“Was that my baby?” she asked the listener in a small voice. She went on to talk about the difficulty she was having going into the bathroom, that she was having flashbacks when she brushed her teeth or took a shower.

Searching for Support

Hailey felt betrayed by her boyfriend for leaving her to go through the abortion alone. She felt let down by the provider for not preparing her well enough for what was about to happen.

 “I never knew it would be like that,” she said, her voice cracking. “I wish I’d called you before I took the pills.”

Hailey had planned to return to work after just a few days, but three days turned into nearly two weeks as she struggled with debilitating feelings of grief and anger.

Finding a Way Through

Hailey faced the trauma of her abortion on her own. She couldn’t escape it. Her own home was a daily reminder of what happened that day. An online search led her to Life’s National Helpline, and through tears she was able to offload everything to her listener about what had and what was happening for her.

Hailey received ongoing free counselling sessions to help her move forward in coping with her loss and the trauma she experienced that day.

You Are Not Alone

No woman should have to face any part of pregnancy or pregnancy loss alone. If you want to support women like Hailey, save the details of Life’s National Helpline and share with anyone who is facing any kind of pregnancy distress or loss.

We are here and we will listen.