Those two blue lines took your breath away.
You’re pregnant, and it wasn’t planned. You’re Googling away in your search for answers. And maybe one thing you’ve searched is, “How to tell your partner you’re pregnant.”
Unplanned pregnancy is different. Fewer people want “cute” or gimmicky ways to announce it to their partner. Instead, they want to tell their partner with simplicity, compassion, and directness, giving them lots of space to process and respond to the news.
But how do you have that conversation?
How To Tell Your Partner You’re Pregnant is not a definitive guide, but it’s a good way to get you thinking. How will you share the news?
You can also talk with Life listeners. We give you space to talk about your pregnancy and explore how you might talk to your partner. No matter how you’re feeling, we welcome everyone to our confidential, non-judgmental space.
Should You Tell Your Partner About an Unplanned Pregnancy?
How do you feel about telling about your partner? Nervous? Unsure?
That’s okay. Every relationship has its own challenges, whether it’s three weeks of dating or 20 years of marriage. Sometimes your challenges make talking about an unplanned pregnancy feel stressful. Perhaps it’s easier to keep it hidden?
Maybe. Maybe not. Relationships often struggle when there’s a big secret, and it can be a real burden for the secret-keeper. Many partners are shocked when they first hear about a pregnancy, but later become a wonderful source of care and support, because their wife or girlfriend chose to trust them with the news.
On the other hand, perhaps your relationship is casual, or you don’t find your partner trustworthy, so your situation is very different.
A listening ear can be immensely helpful. Why not reach out to our listeners to explore your situation? You can contact us by phone, text or email – whichever is most comfortable for you.
If you think your partner could react violently or make you feel unsafe, put a hold on telling them. Reach out for help first.
Step One of How To Tell Your Partner You’re Pregnant
Take some time to yourself.
That positive test might have turned your world upside-down, so give your emotions a chance to settle, and for you to get familiar with the idea of being pregnant. You can call up your best friend to talk it out, or write down how you feel in a big brain-splurge.
When you feel a little calmer, you can go onto step two of how to tell your partner you’re pregnant. Prepare.
What do you want from telling your partner? Is this just a courtesy, or do you want him to be actively involved? Do you want his advice, even if you don’t act on it? Have a think and write some ideas down.
It’s common for men to panic in the moment, not because they’re upset, because they’re in shock and don’t know what to do. You can help yours out by jotting down what you expect from him, whether it’s advice, practical help, or just to listen and understand. Lots of men are all about action, so if what you most need is a warm hug and a listening ear, let him know!
How To Tell Your Partner You’re Pregnant – The Conversation
Choose the right setting
When is your partner calm, well-rested, and able to talk without distractions? Is it walking the dog on a Sunday morning? Or is it at home on a Friday night, a box of takeout between you?
Talk about your relationship
Before either of you get distracted, tell him you have something you want to say. You might want to begin by talking about what you love about your relationship. It’s optional, but the more discerning partner might understand there’s more to come and inwardly prepare.
Be direct and honest
The words you use are up to you. “I love you, and I need to tell you something. I’m pregnant.”
“I don’t know how it happened, but I’m pregnant.”
You might not even need to use words, just show him the pregnancy test.
Make space for his reaction
You might be sitting there anxiously, holding your breath, but remember how you felt when you learned about the pregnancy. Shock was probably your number one reaction. Your partner is feeling the same thing, and won’t be up to an eloquent speech describing his emotions. Give him time to process what he’s just heard.
How Do Men React to Pregnancy?
“What is he thinking? What is he feeling?”
Men and women are different. Sure, you might share some of the same responses – surprise, perhaps confusion. Depending on the individual, your partner might be scared, upset, or in denial. They could be excited, overjoyed by the prospect of fatherhood.
Some things might be similar. Yet your experiences here are fundamentally different.
Men don’t have hormones coursing through them. Their body isn’t changing. To them, you being pregnant is an abstract idea, while money and employment is something they can get to grips with. Many men are highly rational, and want to go over the practical stuff, while you might feel you need to spend time with the pregnancy before you know what you want to do.
Some men have complicated feelings about being a dad. They’re often scared they’ll somehow fail, but this shows your partner cares about being a good father. Most parents have some fear of falling short, and that’s natural. With parenthood, you learn as you go, and you often surprise yourself.
When thinking about how to tell your partner you’re pregnant, remember this: the first reaction is not the be-all and end-all.
In the heat of the moment, struggling with emotional shock and disbelief, your partner might give a panicked reaction. This doesn’t necessarily reflect how he feels about the pregnancy, he was just unprepared.
With openness, gentleness, and time, you can discover his true feelings about the pregnancy. Don’t feel you need to take action after this first conversation – this is new to both of you.
If you feel a bit shaken after telling your partner, give Life a call. We’re here to listen.
How Can You Help?
The best thing you can do is give him time.
Men have less desire to talk in intense situations. It can be very strange to us, as women generally want to express their thoughts and emotions. Don’t be upset if your partner gets very quiet, or spends time by himself for a week or two. He might just be thinking and feeling his way.
The next part of how to tell your partner you’re pregnant is to come back together. Spend some quality time as a couple. Keep the conversation going. Talk about how you’re finding pregnancy, and bring up what your partner can do to help.
Encourage your partner to open up. What does he want? What advice does he have? You can listen to his advice, but you don’t have to take it.
Sometimes taking your partner to appointments and scans can help him see the bigger picture. It can help the pregnancy feel real, in a way nothing else can.
What If My Partner Doesn’t Want the Pregnancy?
It’s possible your partner doesn’t come round to the pregnancy. He might want to break up. He might even want you to do something you don’t want to do.
Don’t take a course of action because your partner tells you. This is your pregnancy, and we want you to know that you are in control.
Thomas’s story
At Life, we’re also here for those struggling partners.
Thomas called Life after finding out his girlfriend was pregnant, when he was frustrated at her decision to continue the pregnancy.
“Over several sessions, the listeners helped me explore my thoughts and feelings around what was happening for me. […]
“This really was a turning point. It allowed me to begin building a friendship with her [my girlfriend] that allowed me to become part of the continued pregnancy.”
Do you have a partner that wants to talk? Reach out to us.
Talking to Life
How to tell your partner you’re pregnant can be a big question. For some couples, the conversation is easy, for others, it’s tricky.
Whatever you’re feeling, whatever has happened, our listeners are there to talk, from 9am to 6pm.
If you ever feel at risk of losing your home because your partner doesn’t want the pregnancy, you can talk to our listeners about our special Life Houses, safe homes for mums and their babies.
Talk to us by:
- Calling 0808 802 5433
- Texting 07860 077 33
- Emailing help@lifecharity.org.uk
What other questions are you asking? You can explore our Surprise Pregnancy blogs, which discuss money, studying, and other aspects of unplanned pregnancy.
To find out more about Life, visit our website or follow us on Facebook or Instagram.
