Being pregnant, again

It’s easy to believe, in today’s world of advanced technology and medicine, that having a baby is uncomplicated. Any woman who has experienced infertility, baby loss or an unplanned or crisis pregnancy, can tell a story that it is far more complex. There can be a great deal of fear when a woman finds out about being pregnant again. 

It’s easy to believe that getting pregnant, giving birth and raising a child will be a straightforward and controlled endeavour, indistinguishable from any other life plan and to be implemented when convenient. Because of this societal view that having children is a simple and controlled choice, the reality of an unplanned pregnancy and the issues and risks that come with it can be very challenging to process; especially if there are already children who need to be protected in an uncertain future. 

How it can feel to be pregnant again

According to government statistics, the rate of pregnancies ending in abortions in women aged 35 and over is increasing year on year. Unexpected pregnancies can feel like a threat to the ability to support and care for current children. Some of the reasons women we speak to say they worry when they find out they are pregnant again, include: 

• The financial strain of supporting current children is already unmanageable 

• A large age gap between this baby and its closest sibling 

• Disapproval from family and friends, or a fear of being judged 

• The pregnancy comes after a divorce or break-up, or with a different father 

• An existing child has health issues that need a lot of attention 

• There is grief from the loss of a child, previous birth traumas or a difficult parenting period 

• Parenting challenges such as previous depression or involvement of services 

Overcoming past trauma

Louise, aged 33, came to live in a Life House at 28 weeks pregnant after having two children already. One lived full time with his father due to the deep mental health issues Louise experienced after her second son passed away unexpectedly at only four weeks old. 

Struggling with depression and anxiety, as well as drink and drug issues brought on by unprocessed and crippling grief, Louise lacked the support network to have another baby or look after a newborn. Louise couldn’t bear to lose another child and showed great strength and love in choosing to continue with the pregnancy while also ‘going sober’ for the health of the unborn baby – but with little support. 

There was a real and frightening possibility that Louise would have to hand her baby to social services when it was born, as they weren’t confident that she had the support needed to be a safe and effective mother to her third child. This prospect haunted her during the pregnancy. 

Thankfully, Louise took to the internet in search of help and found Life. She was immediately offered counselling support and an interview for taking up a place in a Life House. Because of Life becoming the support network that society didn’t provide for Louise, she was able to start healing from her wounds and become her third son’s ‘safe place’; the rock and the source of love that every child needs. Social services were confident that Life would provide the support Louise needed to offer a stable home, and later she also gained joint custody of her eldest son, who had gone to live with his father in the time following Louise’s baby loss. 

Louise says, “From my very first night, it felt like home. Life arranged counselling and, within a few weeks, I had integrated well into the house with the staff and the girls who also lived here. I outlined my goals for the present time and future for both me and my kids. I started to believe in myself. To believe that I could parent this tiny baby and, maybe, I could actually be happy again. 

These women gave me something money cannot buy. They gave me hope… Thank you Life.” 

Click here to read the full story of how Louise overcame her circumstances to become a mother again. 

Support for women who have children and are pregnant

There can be many reasons, often complex, that women who have already had pregnancies feel unable to give this child what it needs to thrive. Being ‘unable to afford’ a baby is an often-cited reason for requesting an abortion, but previous loss or health issues can also be a huge factor in decisions that often cause great heartache. 

In times of disaster, women like Louise are under a huge amount of pressure and without the right support, they can wither. Everyone who chooses to get involved with Life has a part in holding women like Louise up when they need it.

Parenthood isn’t always planned, but that’s OK. With the right support, any woman can overcome her circumstances and change the world around her new plan, in which she and her children can thrive:

• Financial support can be found
• Sibling relationships are most often easy and loving, and can also be nurtured
• Support and strategies can make health issues easier to manage
• Fear of being judged can be overcome
• Sadness, grief and trauma can be processed with professional help

If you or someone you know needs to talk about an unplanned pregnancy, get in touch with our free, professional and completely non-judgmental helpline. We’re here to listen, so you have the space to clarify your own thoughts and feelings. 

Phone: 0808 802 5433
Text: 07860077339
Email: help@lifecharity.org.uk